i wiggle my toes and sand slides down a note of song
sweetly sung scuffed knees
roll down the soft green smell of dew sparkles
yellow sneakers and a lime green popsicle
faded orange smiles
linger in a chipped tooth of adventure
stretched out across a summer sky.

clarity is hard for me and ever changing and kind of fuzzy and sometimes i can see the tree for the forest but more often than not, i can’t see the forest for the trees or the blade of grass embedded in a riot of colour that causes me to gasp outloud.

you know, those conversations you have in your head back and forth, forth and back, a bouncing yellow ball endlessly cycling itself around and around.

you know what i love most about my crazy exercise? that it clears my head, gives me energy and allows me the clarity of my life. being laid up is hard because my head is feeling fuzzy and out of line. scolding me and feeding me all sorts of paranoid thoughts and forcing me to see the breadcrumbs crumpled up and lurking beside my bed.

at the risk of sounding a bit like a nutter, sometimes i think there are too many people crowded into my little head all vying for attention and chattering up a storm, too many thoughts all at once and i can’t seem to find my peace. i realized that recently those voices have quieted allowing my voice to come out stronger than ever before. people have been commented on how confident i seem lately, people who know me well and they are right, i have felt confident and capable and well really happy. i know that it is the exercise. there is something about it that frees me, unfurls my wings, calms me and gives me focus and takes away any lingering angst.

so right now, i am hobbling around and feeling nostalgic for a bar stool and a long dangling cigarette tipped with anger and over ripe laughter, a scrap of paper and a dark poem lost in a bottle of bombay gin, low lighting and the belief that the major food groups really are a pint of something stale, a drag of something chemically laced and a lick of salt from a damaged table top of tapping fingers slung low over a flirtatious swirl of hair.

but i’ll fight my way back to the sunshine walls of my new life and breathe in peace and the reminder that i will find my way back to the sweaty push of another day of racing towards the spot inside where the sky meets the earth and i am centered within a thought of beauty’s breath.

and i am writing this to remind myself when i don’t want to lace up those sneakers and head out to fight myself as i sweat and gasp across the miles of pavement that it is so worth each and every step towards finding myself again and again and yet again.

i want to start this off by saying i had a beautiful lovely wonderful weekend until screeeeeeeeeeeeech sunday when it all went awry and this will be a bit of a whiny post but sometimes its okay to whine.

this weekend was duke’s birthday and it was lovely, we broke in our new kitchen aid beautiful appliance and made a sour cream chocolate cake which was yummalicious and oh so much fun to make. we had giggles filming a little bubble blowing fun and we hung out in the garden soaking up the sun and watching the bees flit about. perfection.

and then on sunday morning as i was jauntily walking to the pool, i fell. i would like to say that i tripped over a big brick left out or someone’s garden hose or the curb but i didn’t, i just fell. and my ankle buckled under me and i scrapped up my knee and elbow and my dignity by falling. but then i couldn’t get up because my ankle was twisted underneath me and after sitting and wiping off the blood and dirt i eventually pulled myself up and hobbled along.

i spent most of the day in pain with my ankle up alternating hot and cold while i got more and more depressed and upset with myself because i’m not going to be able to run or bike or do pretty much anything for a while not to mention i really need this to heal quickly because i have photoshoots and a wedding coming up. so yeah. i was feeling a wee bit sorry for myself and took the day off work because i was in so much pain and just wanting to be like the me in the photo above, standing on a chair and being goofy. but i can’t even put weight on my foot right now.

so i was sitting here feeling sorry for myself when a dear friend called and cheered me up and i thought isn’t it amazing that a conversation with someone who lives hundreds and hundreds of miles away can bring me back to the bright side of my life. and give me hope. to have someone who really understands how devastated i was feeling about this somehow reminded me that this will pass and i will eventually heal and maybe slowing down for a little while won’t be the worst thing that ever happened to me.

and i can even giggle about the fact that my clumsy ways are really going to be a problem as i age and i might need to bubblewrap parts of my body before i go out because i am so going to be the little old lady who falls and breaks her hip and has to crawl through the daisies to get help … honestly, i just fell and have no idea how it even happened and i would like to say that this was the first time but um not even close.

and just because … sometimes bukowski makes me smile …

if wishes were rainbow coloured kittens
dancing across a field of dandelion dreams
laid waste to the wind and sun
and i blew hard and sparkles danced high
and wishes were free, abundant and for everyone
then i would wish …

… that we could all stop for a second and collectively breathe in deeply and acknowledge that we are not alone on this earth.

and that i could always remember in my heart of hearts …

… that peace comes from realizing that if we stop and take a breathe and choose to blow out grace instead of anger, we suddenly live in a better world.
… that sometimes its harder to pick up the phone and say, hey i like what you wrote, said, did but it creates a more beautiful connection than ticking a ‘like’ box.
… that hate is easy but worth nothing
… that love is hard but worth everything.
… that we are all vulnerable and hopeful and scared and strong and capable and beautiful.

peace and love