contemplating the navel
“As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery… we have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness.” (dalai lama)
I’ve been down lately, really down. I would even go so far as to say I have sunk into that apathetic sad place where depression clings to flatlined emotions and a sense of hopelessness. I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself, paranoid with regards to how others see me and seeing myself as a blog of nothingness, worthlessness. I have been looking in a funhouse mirror and seeing myself distorted and insignificant. Its been a rough week compounded with the grey dark cold outside (where has summer gone?) and the fact that my allergies have been going crazy with sinus and raw itcy watery eyes that hurt so bad that if I could have plucked them out I would have (honestly, its bad enough that just being around cats can send me to the hospital but for summer to turn against me too, so not right).
Last night I had a bit of an epiphany. I like that word epiphany. I was talking on the phone to a friend* who unfortunately had the misfortune to ’see’ me at my worst. It really can’t have been a fun conversation for her but I find myself grateful that she put up with me and was there for me and that fact alone lead me to another epiphany. epiphany epiphany epiphany. good things come in threes really.
1. I have no idea what I really want to do with the rest of my life. Wow. I don’t think I have ever really been in this place as I have always been filled with dreams and wants, desires and wishes. But honestly, I don’t know. Could this be a mid-life crisis? possibly. I find myself re-evaluating everything and at first I thought this was more grief work but on further reflection, I don’t think that this is about the watching my babies die. I think this is about me and the rest of my life. I am going to take a good friend’s advice and tread slowly with baby steps toward figuring it all out. I have started carrying a journal around with me again, a paper journal, a journal I can fill with stream of conscious reality, a journal to start figuring it out for me, the me I am now.
2. I have been angry and hurt by the slew of friends that let me down when my babies died. The pain of that has prevented me from really opening myself up again. Oh sure, I have opened up here in this space and I have opened up to a few people out there across the miles whom I met here in this space but there is a safety there that doesn’t exist when dealing with your immediate life, right here, right now. I have always been a pretty social person, my mom would even say a social butterfly but something changed for me a few years back. I think it started when my sister died, I started closing down and then when my babies died, I shut down completely. And some time in the wee hours of yet another insomnia night, I realized that there have been women in my life who have been reaching out to me and I have been the one who has been deflecting those advances.
I haven’t really been allowing myself to live fully in my life. I have been hiding. It may be time to start coming out into the light. Again, baby steps.
3. There is nothing like a good storm to get your blood pumping. This morning, I rode my bike through thunder and lightning and pouring rain, the streets slick and dark, the air fresh and wild. It was freaking fantastic. I arrived at work soaked and flushed and actually feeling alive again. I am so glad that I have found my sporty spice again because leaving the athlete in me behind has not served me well. I need to push my body and I need to stretch myself in this way to feel good.
This morning for the first time this week, I feel my blood pumping again, I stretch out my fingers and cock my head and realize my head feels clearer. I have some things to figure out but at least now I know what they are. I have to let life back into my heart and I have to allow myself to trust again, both myself and others.
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I need to spend some time contemplating my navel and contemplating the navels of those around me. Speaking of navels, I think I need to get my bellybutton piercing redone and perhaps it is time for a new tattoo. More things to contemplate I think.
I also need to live, just live this beautiful life that I have and do the little things that I love doing. It sounds so easy but sometimes it isn’t, sometimes we get so caught up in what we think we should be doing that we forget to just do what we love.
*thanks for being the wonderful you that you are!
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