wistful
“April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain.” (t.s. eliot)
we can be burning with happiness and still feel wistful and sad. it is not a contradiction, it is life.
yesterday, i had on one of those empire waist dresses in a bright yellow billowing out in folds of fabric. i ran into someone whom i haven’t seen in a good year and she was all smiles and happy for me and congratulated me on my pregnancy.
yeah. how do you respond to that really. i was ever so gracious and full of smiles and pushed the folds of fabric down revealing that i had no stomach and laughed and said that no, we were starting a photography business and had decided that babies were not in our future. she left, i hope, without feeling badly. i’m sure she didn’t because even those who were with me had no idea how shaken to the core i was inside. i am good at that ~ good at social graces and making other people feel good while pushing down my own feelings. i am a people pleaser.
i made it through the day all laughter and sunshine until about eleven last night when i had a complete meltdown, fighting with my husband in a fight he couldn’t win resulting in me curled up in a ball in the tub, the hot water streaming from our rain shower, steam billowing down on my tears.
i don’t even know why i feel compelled to write all this down but i do. the air is thick with clouds and the air conditioner in my office is leaving me chilled. i am having a hard time concentrating on work, my eyes hurt from crying and in the light of day, i am not even sure how i feel. i deliberately put on form fitting jeans this morning and a tight stretch black and white striped top and everyone in the office was all like wow … all that time spent in the gym is sure paying off. there is no way that anyone could mistake me for being pregnant today.
i am unable to analyze how i even feel. i don’t know. all i know is that for whatever reason, i am hurting inside today and while i have a whole lot to be happy about, i think it is okay to let myself feel sad too. life is simple and yet our emotions are so complicated.
my house and yard is filled with the scent of lilacs, it permeates every ounze of my being. it makes me feel nostalgic, a girl with holes in her jean knees and a brightly coloured tee, streamers dancing off her bike as her pigtails danced in the sunlight. the scent makes me miss my granny who grew up next door to me, her bright yellow house, lilac bushes and white linen blowing in the breeze, the smell of baked bread and wild blueberries, the big jars of brightly coloured buttons and fabrics that still conjur up delight. the scent makes me miss my sister, her long hair shone brown, dancing eyes and giggling wit. the way she smelled, like home and love and that bond of sisterhood that leaves me empty now as i make my way through life filled with people yet somehow alone. bees buzzing on secrets told as the sun baked the earth on the cusp of summer’s freedom.
a tear rolls down my face.
we can be wistful and sad and still be burning with happiness. it is not a contradiction, it is life.
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