girlfriends
“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” (sex and the city)
i started watching sex and the city shortly after my seperation and consequent divorce and i have to tell you that those girls got me through some of the darkest days of figuring out my life. i didn’t have a girl posse of my own and i still don’t but i think i am starting to come to terms with the fact that there is a reason why there are so many men in my life and maybe that is not the worst thing in the world. i recently heard from an old friend who lives across the world and he is going to be here for a while and i am excited to see him, to catch up on his life and to i know without a doubt that though we haven’t talked in years that it will be easy and wonderful and there will be laughter and depth and good conversation. i remember years and years ago, an email i received from him from halfway across the globe ~ he said that he had recently caught this show called ’sex in the city’ and that the character of carrie reminded him of me and that if i hadn’t see it, i should watch it. it made me smile because i had just that week watched my first episode.
i went to see the movie on the friday it opened and was delighted to see a theatre filled with women friendships though true to form i was there with my best friend, my husband, a man. it somehow seemed to sum up my life as i watched (and no i am not going to go into any sort of review of the movie, there are enough of those out there) a movie about love and relationships and the enduring nature of girlfriends and there i was with a guy. most of my best friends are guys, always have been, still are. i sometimes think there is an ache in my heart for all the times i tried and failed at having meaningful women friendships, they are strewn across the highway of my life. sisters that never lasted for one reason or another.
“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.” (anon)
in my life, it has seemed to be only the guys who are willing to break down those walls or even see that they are there. i realize that i come across as a strong women and friends and acquaintances are always amazed to realize i have a slew of insecurities a mile long but those insecurities don’t run my life. i live by the contradiction that is life. i love women, everything about them and yet i find myself surrounded by men. its not so bad i suppose and i should just accept it for what it is and realize that i am loved by many and that is a beautiful thing.
there are days when i think about the fact that the women in my life are few and i wonder why and then inevitably i wind up thinking about my sister and how much i miss her. we had a heart bond that could only be broken by death and i could always talk to her about anything even if she couldn’t fill the spaces with words of her own. she talked with her eyes and her heart. my sister was born with a severe form of cerebral palsy which required wheelchairs and catheders and constant care. she was born when i was seven and i was so excited, i wanted a sister so badly and while she wasn’t a sister that i could run with and dance with and do cartwheels on the front lawn with, she was a sister that i could hold and snuggle with and whisper secrets in the night and she could talk in i way that i cannot describe because it didn’t require words only looking deeply into each other and understanding.
maybe that is why i have so many close male friendships, sometimes there is that same understanding without ever having to verbalize it. i don’t know. i am rambling really.
there are days, when i still long for those kind of female friendships that endure the years of time, that endure tragedy and success, change and revelation, youth and aging and who knows maybe forty years from now, i will look back and realize that i somehow managed to find and hold on to that, i am ever hopeful. i still like seeing a group of women, grey haired skirt swaying smiling wrinkles laughing together and knowing that they have held each other up through the tears and the pain, it always makes me smile a little wistfully and a little joyously.
i don’t know why i ended up going down this route. i meant to write a light fluffy post about sex and the city and new cute shoes and love and laughter. i suppose i ended up here for a reason, sometimes it is good to just let yourself talk, isn’t that what blogs are for and then i remember all my beautiful blogging sisters, some new and some who have been around for years and i think that even though we can’t all sit in a cafe and laugh and cry together, we have done that here and there, and perhaps in my own way, i have that friendship and acceptance that i have always sought. gosh. i really love trains of thought and i really do love this blogging community.
i hope its sunny where you are this weekend! it is going to rain here all weekend and i am more than okay with that as i fully intend on doing some house cleaning/decorating and a whole lot of reading and movie watching relaxation with a little farmer’s market thrown in for good cooking measure. happy weekend and smooches to all my bloggy girlfriends.
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