“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.” (johann wolfgang von goethe)

go out there and do something bold this weekend, go on … i dare you … ’cause really who do you think you are?

*(thank you jamie and violet for the introduction to this documentary ~ so inspiring!!)

“The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world’s problem” (mahatma gandhi)

i see you there hiding behind the bright flickr flame of the others
curled in shyness
thinking you are in the shadows
of the sunlight’s blaze

i see you there
soul burned bright
curled inwards
letting brighter blossoms sing out loud

thinking your potential is lost
amidst the blooms already dancing
but all that potential
clear in its intention

flings itself at my gaze
and i gasp at your beauty.

“I live for meeting with men in suits. I love them because I know they had a really boring week and I walk in there with my orange velvet leggings and drop popcorn in my cleavage and then fish it out and eat it. I like that. I know I’m entertaining them, and I know that they know.” (madonna)

i am like the man in a suit living a really boring week but underneath the cuffs of grey, there are velvet orange leggings just bursting to dance free … i had a taste of the sweetest orange scented life and i want more, so much more of it and i don’t even know how to begin describing it here …

i could tell you the story of that first wedding that duke and i shot together, just the two of us on our wedding anniversary which seemed so fitting when you think about it. i could tell you that i was happily taking pre-wedding photos at the church when my two thousand dollar (on sale) 70-200 lens disconnected from my camera and went tumbling to the ground. i could tell you how the air whooshed from me as i quickly picked it up happy not to hear glass shattering only to find that it was bent and wouldn’t fit back on my camera. i could tell you that the wedding was starting in about 15 minutes and i was forced to shoot with my 50 mm lens so instead of standing in the sidewings i was shimming down aisles on my stomach in order to get the shot. i could tell you that i learned something about myself in that moment … i learned that i could stay calm, that it wasn’t about me ~ it was about giving this beautiful couple photos that would bring them back to this day of love. i learned that i could improvise and make it work regardless.

i could tell you that i loved everything about shooting a wedding. i loved being allowed to be there, to witness all the little beautiful moments, to get to know relative strangers and discover that they are so much more beautiful than i even imagined. to see the way their families love and give and smile and laugh and the way their friends honor them and care for them. what a privilage it is to have someone trust you to take part in it.

i could tell you that there was a moment when duke and i looked at each other and we nodded, we were sure. we knew in our hearts that this was the life that we wanted to live, surrounded by people, surrounded by love. we knew that though our feet were sore and tired from running around for some 12 hours and that our arms were fatigued from carrying cameras and lenses and our eyes needed rubbing from constantly looking seeing finding all those moments, we knew that this was something that we wanted to continue doing.

i could tell you that my bubble did not burst, it only expanded my heart and its capacity to feel.

of course, the work doesn’t end with the day, we are processing photos and marveling at the memories and excited to share with our couples, the beauty we are finding. i am sure that some of it will find its way here as the weeks go by …

all of this … makes it so much harder to be at work, in my dry boring suit smile, cubicle lighting and beige walls. but i know that the orange burst lives just around the hour and more jobs are coming our way and i am excited because i am not just talking about it anymore … i am doing it. i have much more to learn and there are more classes i want to take, learning opportunities and more days of shooting, capturing beauty.

i learned that you know you have found what you love when you want to keep learning and expanding your abilities .. when you can’t imagine not doing it, that first taste makes you jump up and down and hug yourself even as your body screams out in exhaustion and you know that you can so do this … yes you can.

jumping off cliffs is good, oh so good … like licking the orange drip juice off your chin as it spills over in all its sweetness while landing in a soft bed of pink flames.

*the lens will be able to be fixed, thank you canon .. in the meantime, we went out and bought a second one because really we each need our own, tee hee

“The first step in understanding is not to try and fit it into what you already know.” (Spasmically Perfect)

* this makes me smile, gives me hope and makes me jump up and down with glee … we can live the life we want at any age, oh yes we can!!

(thanks marilyn)

* psssst … what amazing creative goddess is having a sale? hint: i own three (soon to be four) items already. the beautiful and talented liz … do run over to her etsy and grab something you love before its too late because i have a paypal account and am not afraid to use it, tee hee

A couple of weeks ago, we had got to run around the park with this delightfully energetic family. I love how they interact together and their love for each other really shines through their laughter and smiles. These are a few of my favourites from that day.

larger slideshow

1. take a writing workshop in taos, new mexico
2. pay off all my debt
3. fly to portland and spend some time with my best friend, jen update: spent a week in november 2008. update: fully intend on doing it again.
4. spend a week during our cold frost winter in hawaii
5. stare out at the blue water in greece
6. swoon over tulips in the netherlands
7. lose all the weight i gained while on bed rest pregnant with henry and eliot and the weight i gained while living with the grief.
8. lose the bit of weight i gained when i quit smoking over four years ago
9. join the masters swim club
10. complete an iron man triathalon
11. bike from jasper to banff and marvel at the crispness of the rocky mountains
12. take surf lessons in tofino from surf sister
13. complete a masters in fine arts
14. finish writing my novel
15. publish a book of poetry
16. white water rafting trip in golden, british columbia
17. drive to alaska
18. become a grandmother that my grandchildren want to hang out with (not for a long while though, tee hee)
19. grow old gracefully
20. keep the funky fun in my life
21. write every morning for a year
22. turn my backyard into a garden oasis
23. turn my frontyard into a garden oasis
24. drive up to visit my parents at least twice a year, ideally 3 or 4 times a year
25. ride my bike to work everyday during spring, summer and fall.
26. continue to do some form of exercise five days a week for the next year, for the year after that, for the rest of my life
27. clean out all my closets
28. keep the top of my fridge clear of junk for the next year
29. at least one photo a day for the next year
30. start a new photoblog just for me
31. reinstitute new boots on my birthday every year (even if husband thinks i own too many as it is)
32. get a new tattoo on my upper arm
33. get my bellybutton re-pierced
34. get two more daisy outline tattoos for henry and eliot to match the one i have for aiden which means sucking up the pain of the needle on my rib
35. sit in a cafe in spain and write mad poetry
36. succeed at our photography business to the point where we can quit our day jobs
37. own a cabin/house on the sunshine coast, british columbia
38. take up cross country skiing
39. learn to scuba dive
40. go skydiving again (sorry jen but i really loved it)
41. get a clean bill of health on my asthma so i can do 39 and 40 (am convinced that diet and exercise are the key and have been off my steroids for a month now, crossing fingers)
42. accept the beauty that is me
43. tell my gremlins to take a hike
44. invite more possibility into my life
45. continue to be honest with myself and those around me
46. have another photography show
47. and another photography show
48. and perhaps even more than that.
49. teach again in some capacity (i really loved teaching)
50. travel to vietnam
51. walk the path of my dreams in england, the dreams i had while working on my english literature degree
52. read more philosophy again
53. do one brave thing every week
54. paint at least once a month for a year
55. make a dream vision board
56. learn to play the drums (sheesh, i mean i have the most awesome drummer living in my house)
57. practice the guitar more
58. meditate in india
59. singing lessons
60. sing in public
61. send my poetry out for publication (i stopped when my twins died and its time to get out there again)
62. write letters to people not just emails
63. stop caring what other people think of me and my somewhat eccentric ways
64. wear more purple update: i have gone purple crazy, purple is the new black … i am loving the purple me
65. go to scotland to meet a certain photoblog friend and his wee family
66. go to boston and hang out with a couple i cherish
67. blog world tour ~ drink tea with a list of bloggers that i heart
68. attend artfest
69. new york baby
70. practice my japanese in japan
71. travel to germany where duke and i both have roots
72. have a novel published
73. grow old with my love, snuggled into our hearts
74. continue finding beauty and magic in other people
75. listen more, talk less (eep!)
76. more calm, less storm inside
77. italy, a dream since childhood
78. romantic weekend in the french countryside and paris of course
79. get off the grid as much as possible … a romantic yet entirely green notion that becomes more and more doable every year.
80. canning from my garden
81. make bread from scratch
82. have a completely present free christmas
83. buy less
84. buy handmade, independent artistry
85. give more to the charities i believe in
86. make a documentary
87. make another short film
88. drink more water
89. eliminate the clutter in my life, let go of things that don’t matter
90. find a good home for the kickass can go up a mountain stroller, car seat and bassinet that are sitting in their original boxes in our basement
91. have a bowl filled with seaglass, i currently have no seaglass but long for it in a way i don’t even understand.
92. honor my feelings and allow myself to be whatever it is that i am
93. photograph the architecture in chicago and detroit, so very different yet compelling and beautiful
94. encourage others more
95. stop wasting my time on people who don’t understand me and don’t want to
96. dance under the moonlight with true abandon
97. stop eating processed foods
98. continue reaching out to people even when i fear rejection
99. live a life filled with compassion
100. live in the moment fully always

i honestly think i could write a hundred more things but i’ll stop for now :) would love to see your list …

my vacation is sadly coming to an end. tomorrow is really the last day because i am shooting a wedding on saturday and am back to work on monday with another wedding to shoot on the following friday. i am about to be very busy. oh who am i kidding? my vacation has been crazy busy and i am almost looking forward to going back to work so i can get some rest. almost.

our front steps are stained a lovely cabbage green and i spray painted our mailbox a green apple green. we were going to paint the trim on the house as well but are feeling more than a little burnt out and so we are getting a quote and are going to get it professionally done in september … i will post photos once it is all finished.

otherwise, here are just a few photos of what i did on my summer vacation:

these cabinets in my kitchen have definitely seen better days … and i have been wanting to do something about it since we bought the house two years ago, we finally had a large chunk of time soooo …

they are custom builds circa 1945 but why oh why would someone oil stain them brown? i suppose they must have looked good in their day but now, not so much.

it only took 3 coats of kilz primer and one coat of melamine. it was freaky hot, i literally had sweat pouring down my face for some of the coats.

i love vintage but sometimes a little modern goes a long way in an already vintage house …

there is still much to do but the bulk of cabinet work is finished, whew! i have the sky and the sun in my kitchen and it feels so clean and light and airy. so worth the endless days of work.

did i mention that in between painting the cabinets, my parents came to stay (thank you bbq) and we spent 2 days moving my brother and sister-in-law from a 3rd floor walk-up condo to a house. yeah. i didn’t have to go to the gym to work out this vacation and there was no weight gain as the kitchen was pretty much off limits and we ate mostly out the garden. it is so lovely to take a bowl and scissors out there and voila almost instant salad.

i did manage to have some fun on vacation though, many movies were watched and i got to spend some wonderful time with blogger friends.

photo by duke / processed by me

i already posted about meeting the wonderful jill from more kisses please and yes we were doing jazz hands here, eep! this was clearly after the photowalk AND after the strongbow. heh heh.

in the midst of the kitchen renovation and moving my brother, i had a beautiful quiet break with a visit from the absolutely lovely linni,

her lovely husband and parents dropped her off with me for a couple of hours before they headed back to slave lake, my hometown. we wandered down the alley to the little second hand bookstore and coffee shop in my hood. we sat amidst bookcases filled with books and opened up our hearts with our words and then wandered back waited in my backyard, the sun shining down, for her family to pick her up. our time together was much too short and i know our friendship will continue to live in my heart. and there are plans for more visits in the future.

i have met a few bloggers now, the lovely bee when i was in monteal; my soul friend jen and i met up in victoria and now jill and linni. this blogging thing that we do where we lay our hearts down on the page and get to know each other in our comment conversations, emails and sometimes phone calls … well, it really can be a wonderful thing. i think that i am incredibly lucky because i have only ever had wonderful meetups where we met and it was like we knew each other … no awkward stilted conversation, only the incredible beauty of meeting someone that you have known for a long time, known deep down inside.

i have written about friendships before in this blog and when i think about it, really think about it, i am incredibly lucky to know so many amazing women across this globe. friends i have sat face to face with and friends i will sit face to face with one day, to hear their laughter ring across the space of air that hugs us close.

update on the mouse issue:

my hero has disposed of four (FOUR !!!) of the critters and i haven’t seen a one in days … i think they might actually be gone though the traps stay, just in case.

update on the 100 things before i die list:

i am almost finished and hope to be able to post it next week sometime … it is taking longer than i originally thought but its been a busy vacation … about to come to an end …

“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time” (john lubbock)

a long time ago, specifically about 20 odd years ago, i used to write lists … long beautiful somewhat embarrassing lists of the things i wanted to do. i looked back at one of those lists and realized that i could cross off almost all of the things i had written. wow. for example, i went skydiving even though i was terrified and it was one of the most amazing experiences i have had. i also saw the ocean and swam in its cold depths and i wrote a play that was performed and i have had my poetry published in the pages of other poet’s words and i have had a photography show and i have had a baby and finished two degrees and i could go on and on.

so many of the seemingly out of reach dreams of my younger self have actually come to fruition. it was quite the shocker actually and i wouldn’t have even realized it if i hadn’t been inspired by the incredibly dynamic and lovely jill whom i met on monday for coffee and then a photowalk and then a strongbow cider. in the five some hours that we spent together, one of the many things we talked about was doing a ‘100 things before i die’ list.

(jill’s lovely arm filled with beauty)

i have been seeing these lists on other blogs for a while now and i keep thinking that i should go for it but something has been holding me back. i have no idea why i have been resistant to the idea but i think it has been fear holding me back.

since i am participating in the be brave project, i am not only going to do the list but am going to post it here, on this blog.

i am still working on it and it may take me a couple of days as i really want to put some thought into what i really still want to do in this crazy beautiful life of mine but will post it once i am finished.

i feel really good about this, thanks jill, check out jill’s list

quick vacation update

*loved the dark knight
*have read a total of three books (breaking dawn, ya-yas in bloom, and an amazing not yet published book that will be i am sure because it is more than that good)
*impromptu bbq
*late nights and early mornings
*family photoshoot, working on processing photos
*photostrolls, many photos to come
*loved eagle vs. shark
*freedom rocks

quick mouse update

*the mouse still lives even though i have gone from being a pacifist to a maniac out for blood killer. i find the one mouse that defies all odds and manages to eat the bait out of the snap traps even though everyone says they are guaranteed to work. not only this morning, i was dreaming about him and i awoke and there he was on my nightstand. on my nightstand!! yeah. he has shit all over my new white skirt and nibbled through the wii receptor cord and hounds my dreams and somehow we are now feeding him !! my neighbour had a mouse run into her house from her back door the other day and um … yeah, she got him in the very same snap trap. but no … mine just taunts me … taunts me. die suckah! i must confess it is consuming a large part of my life right now and i need it to end.

“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?” (alice, alice in wonderland)

i am finishing up my afternoon of facts and figures, papers of organized mess, the cubicle drone of laughter and typing and the hum of words, ringing telephones and modulated voices filled with perfected smiles and civilized conversation. my breath is filling lungs about to dive into the looking glass, the world outside my mask of normal into dreams of days and nights filled with nothing more than the primal task of living my life of no expectation, no deadline, no schedule of this and that and time spent on something other than my own devices.

am very happy to be going to this place, this place of me that requires no travel only the space of time to look through the looking glass and dive right in.

“A boat, beneath a sunny sky
Lingering onward dreamily
In an evening of July –

Ever drifting down the stream –
Lingering in the golden gleam –
Life what is it but a dream?”

–through the looking glass, lewis carroll